Everyone knows now that Steve Ballmer has announced that he will step down as Microsoft’s CEO soon. That leaves one of the world’s top tech companies scouring for a new CEO. Lot’s of names have been floated out, all of whom might do an adequate job, but I figured hey, why the hell not take this historic opportunity to showcase why I would make the best new CEO for Microsoft.

I. Knowledge: I’m not a computer science engineer but I did grow up in a world where, thanks to Windows, pretty much all computers were interchangeable, all except those hipsters at Apple. I’ve installed and used every version of Windows except for 8 on every type of machine possible. I once ran a test with a motherboard, cpu, and memory inside of a freezer unit on a refrigerator in my house. I’ve use Hotmail since I was 14, I got an XBOX even though I thought you were evil, I’ve used MSN / Live / Bing, and I almost bought a Zune once.

But it isn’t just my knowledge of Microsoft that makes me qualified to lead your company, it’s my knowledge of the landscape in each vertical. For example Linux and Linux based distributions, I’m not a hard core expert but I could almost hold my own in a conversation with Linux Geeks and I see the value in an operating system. I ran a gaming clan from 2003 to 2009 so I knew what backlash would come with the Xbox One announcement. I also know Google and Apple pretty well, what makes them tick, what earns them profit, what loses them money, and what loses them money in an exciting way that earns them money.

II. Change: If you made me CEO of Microsoft I would bring down all kinds of fiery, sexy, change. And I would do it with 2 core sets of people: Employees and Developers.

IIa Employees: Have you seen your GlassDoor reviews? It’s not the worst company on the planet to work for with 3.5 stars out of 5, but the plot of almost every review is the same, the company is stagnating and it’s making working there suck. One person writes “The Microsoft I joined in 1999 is not the same Microsoft I left in 2010.” and another “It is VERY hard to “stand out” and move up in the company. Don’t expect your manager to be much of an advocate or enabler to help you meet your career goals – they are basically trying to survive the stack rank every year too.” I don’t know what ‘Stack Rank’ is, but from this being the top comment, it’s clear that it needs to go.

It’s time for an employee cultural shift in the company. I’m not 100% sure how I would handle it, but I know what motivates me to be innovative and that’s: Freedom and Trust. Freedom is free time with almost no constraints to do research and get outside of the box. Trust is trust from your senior manager that you’re out there doing something bad ass and not just messing around. I would bring these 2 pieces to the employee culture while finding new ways to measure and encourage performance and bring in new incentive packages that are not the norm even for Silicon Valley.

IIb Developers: If you’re not already doing this, I would start. If you are doing this, I would get more aggressive. That is speak to anyone that interacts with MS products for a business purpose. From software developers to I.T. infrastructure developers to small business owners, there are lots of problems discussed about MS server and windows products that never seem to make it up the chain or get ignored at the top. I would build a website that allows people to submit their troubles, wants, and wishes for different products anonymously and allow those to be seen transparently.

I would work on better PR and Marketing for the Hackathon’s and continue to encourage the enhancement of MS products and the usage of MS products for new technology. MS does a great job of this, but it’s rarely put on display to the world at large, unlike Google which always seems to steal headlines with their moonshots.

III Software: The heart and soul of MS is Windows, but after that it’s software. Pioneering software that brought us things like Word and Excel and PowerPoint, but that software innovation seems to have gone down and now the cracks in development are constantly highlighted. First thing I would do is make sure every software program and update is thoroughly tested twice, once by engineers and once by a panel of normal computer users before launching it. Software launch goals would be zero bugs, not a few hundred as it seems to be these days.

IV Bing: I really like Bing, but I’ve noticed some issues with the service. My colleague Kevin Adams pointed out some really big flaws with the Ads portion of the platform, which was all but glossed over by the team. Also it seems Bings marketing team is constantly on the attack against Google for doing things that Bing actually does as well. Instead, I would keep updating the algorithm to get better and better and set a standard metric for search results quality, I’m sure something like that exists in-house, but I would publish it. Again, showing transparently how well Bing thinks it’s doing in search quality terms. I would also create an analytics plugin for Organic / Referral lead gen tracking and pump that data into Bing’s webmaster tool section.

Finally, I would promote Duane Forrester. Head of Webmaster Tools seems a bit lesser of a role than he should play. I would get him more involved in Search Quality and other aspects of Bing.

V Internet Explorer: There are not many things I hate more than IE. It’s lack of good programming and web standards for years was a thorn in the side of web devs (see IIb) that MS could have easily resolved, but refused to. Now IE 10 has 2 versions, desktop and touch screen. WTFH was my first thought, was it really that had to find a touch screen interface that was also intuitive for keyboard+mouse? I would make a new IE and call it IE Phoenix, a perfect touchscreen and mouse+keyboard experience that adheres to all of the latest web standards, loads fast, and doesn’t lock up with too many tabs open. That might sound like a dream, but I would get as close as possible to that dream before even launching another IE.

VI Xbox: The thing that probably kept MS relevant through most of the Age of Google was Xbox. It gave MS a direct line to the living rooms and bedrooms of youth across the world. And then, then you go and introduce Xbox One with always on scanning RIGHT after you get accused of being in-bed with the NSA spying on us. Oh and don’t let me forget the used game thing. Why why why ruin such a good thing? Xbox can be saved, but it’s going to take some more community management from Major Nelson, I’d probably even update the community strategy a lot. Here’s what gamers want: Inexpensive games that look great, don’t have drm, that they can sell later for money to buy another game, that CAN play online, and that don’t transmit their in-game chats to the freaking NSA. The Xbox One at announcement date was literally the polar opposite of that. It’s almost like no one at MS had ever bothered to test this concept on the gaming community.

VII Windows: The crown jewel of the MS empire is Windows by a long stretch, but it’s fast losing market share to iOS and Android. The new market requires a new approach. If I was made CEO Windows basic would be 100% free for anyone. Companies could use it on devices for no charge, users could order a free install CD or download it. All perfectly and completely free of charge. Windows X Basic would be given the tools to become ubiquitous on mobile and pc’s laptops with settings that update automatically to the default of the device type they are installed on. Like IE 10 Windows has a sort of dual layout problem that is the sole reason I have yet to purchase it and build a rig from it. Perhaps I would even have packaged up versions ready for a specific psychographic profile. Are you an IT or Software Dev? Your version of Windows X basic would have the command prompt installed immediately to your start panel, at the front. I would also allow people to make Windows accounts where their settings would be updated. You install Windows Z Basic after Windows X Basic? Sure, np, just sign in and it’ll adapt to your old settings so you can save time.

VIII Personality: I have the determination, will for success, and tenacity that it’ll take to get MS in to shape, change the culture, and change the attitude about MS products. I’m not afraid to take big risks because I’ll base those risks on empirical data, first hand accounts, and field testing. I’ll make quick moves that are thoroughly thought out with user impact and business impact, but users will always come first. I’m adept at and enjoy looking to the future, something I’ve always admired MS for doing.

Finally, I’ll make a commitment to privacy of all MS users not just from other people but from governments. And I would never shout at a press event or use absolutist statements that’ll haunt me for years to come.